Lenten Love Letter to God

Dear God, Where would I be without your grace and mercy? You've saved my life so many times; literally, emotionally, figuratively, spiritually. You kept my faith on life support, when I had discarded it like the paper fish was wrapped in. Just a vehicle to get what I needed home.

I've been a bad wife, daughter, servant. But I am sorry. I do want to be better. The spirit is willing...you've heard that before.

I'm waiting for you to act like the rest of the world. To quit on me when I quit on you. To at least stop loving me, in the wake of my neglect. But your ways, they're so strange. Even now, you say return to me, lay your cares on me, know joy and peace. And you mean it. There are no strings attached. There areĀ always strings attached. But no one told you that. You're such a rebel.

I don't know if you're the kind of being that can be hurt by me acting stupid. I imagine you are. Here's what I know: you've never left me. Everyone leaves. I've left. You stayed. Not to say "I told you so." Not to show you were the bigger man. You stayed because you loved me. With no strings.

I ran away. There you were. I cursed your name. Haven't we all? You stood there, with my spit in your face. You loved me. It wasn't always soft, comfy love. But I know love when I see it, because of you. It was always love. You don't make any sense. Why won't you give up on me like I deserve? Leave me to my predicament. My enemies. My wrongs.

Because I don't know how to be so indebted to someone. I am used to trades; fair and square.

All you do is give. And give. And give. Is that how I'm supposed to love? All you do is forgive the contrite heart. No reservations. Am I supposed to forgive others? Do I forgive you for all the things you've done I hated? All you do is accept me, however I come to you. As long as I come. I compare others. They have to pass a threshold of goodness before I let them in. That's wrong isn't it?

You want to marry me, adopt me. Share with me everything you have. I'm starting to believe it. I know how lucky I am.

I hope one day I'm as weird and unconditional as you are. I'm trying to learn your ways. The more I hang out with you the more I want to be like you. I'm hoping some of it wears off on me.

Sometimes we laugh together. Those are my favorite moments. When I do something I thought I couldn't, and you help me. That elation from knowing I did something like you would have. And it turns out good. Those times when I try my hardest. And even if it turns out a mess, you look at it and smile, put my abstract masterpiece on your refrigerator.

And just when I think things are perfect, just the two of us; you make me go out in that big bad world and try. Try to love, forgive, accept others. It's so hard! But you're right there with me. Helping me. Patching me up when things don't go so well. Cheering me on.

It's an adventure. Sometimes I need a break. I close the doors. You and I sit quietly and talk. You teach, I listen. You correct, I cry. You comfort, I show my wounds. You laugh and smile while I tell you my plans. And just like that, I'm ready to go back out there. Eager for round two.

Was there ever a better friend? Savior? Parent? Spouse? Sibling? Lord? Everything? You're the best. I know lots of times I'm busy living life, whatever that means. I forget to say the words. But I look to my left and my right, I see you. And I know. You're my fence, my safety net, my engine. The lover of my soul.

I'm grateful. I love you. I'm trying. I see you. A thousand times over.

Just wanted you to know.

Love, A chip off the old block :)